I love listening to podcasts, and one of my favorites is NPR Invisibilia. There is this one from a few months back, Entanglement, and I just can’t get it out of my head. This idea that there could be one particle of you right now entangled with a person you just passed in the street. The idea that two atoms that are divided by time, space, and are still the same thing, is something so foreign.
I heard in a class years ago, and this too stuck in my mind…. that if we were to count the number of atoms in one drop of water, it would take every single person on planet Earth counting one atom every second for the next 20,000 years. Atoms are so small. Basic physics, most everyone knows that if you were to take apart an atom you would find that the center is made up of neutrons and protons. Around the circle are electrons. An electron orbits an atom several billion times every second or so.
Search Quantum Physics on YouTube and you will find a gazillion videos that will fascinate and blow your mind. I love getting lost for hours at a time, sometimes days listening, watching, learning. Is this an escape? And if so, an escape from what?? Are we even here? We have decided we are here. We have agreed that the laptop, or iPad, or phone you are holding, reading this blog post on exists…..
That podcast though. I felt something really shift in me when I listened to it. I heard that feeling is manufactured in your brain. This really really resonated with me, and I can see so clearly that when I feel that impulsive desire to act on something – – – that heart racing, I need to do this thing right now, DO NOT DO IT LESLIE!!! Whatever that thing is, is not the thing to do.
In the house I grew up in, feelings were a problem to be solved, so fix them immediately.
I spent many years of my life doing destructive things to myself, and to others, often to those I loved most, because I did not know how to sit in an uncomfortable feeling. Today I am grateful for every feeling I have, because I know today that they will always pass. Feelings run through us, like a river. I hope someone reads this and takes from it that our feelings, no matter how big, are temporary, transient, and there are healthy outlets available to us all. Fitness is my release. So if I feel like I need to do that thing right now, if I feel my defiance come up strong, that I want to disobey, that I want to mess stuff up – – – if I feel a rage coming up in me, and I want to race the guy at the light on the freeway onramp, because I don’t like being regulated, and I want to just go – – – IF I suddenly have a relationship with this person I don’t even know, and I am mad at that guy…… well, I get to go push a tire down the pavement instead.
I get to feel my body, in full force, and that is my drug of choice.
Today, I choose to feel my feelings, instead of to get a hit off of something that does me and/or others harm. Everybody’s got something. For some I have loved most, it has been drugs and alcohol. Breaks my heart, and I feel my compassion running deep, and wish for everyone to find their way to this freedom I feel so big in me today. This feeling too, will pass, and I know that. But as I sit here writing this, I feel filled with love. Attention from men, accomplishing the unaccomplishable, buying stuff I don’t need or even want for the most part, those were my top three go-to’s to get that rush.
Today I choose to say yes to my feelings, because then I get to grow. Today, I choose my growth, instead of over-thinking, over-analyzing, over-sexing, over-achieving, over-you-name-it, I’ve gone there, and I have found, time and time again, that all those things only grow my feelings bigger in me, and I make more of a mess of things. The reason they get so big is that I didn’t say yes to them.
I am not stuck in that story anymore.
And I feel so lucky to get to share that change with the world.
So go get yourself a tire, and find a stretch of road, and push that thing. Bring your body alive. Lace up your shoes, and run your a#* off. And if that doesn’t work, I go to yoga. A 90 minute moving meditation always does me good.